Page 89 - SBV (English)

Pre-Sannyäsa Period 29

responded, “I will ask Mahäprabhu. If He gives permission your request will be
granted.” When after a few days Çré Siddhänta Sarasvaté returned and inquired,
“What was Mahäprabhu’s order?” Bäbäjé Mahäräja replied, “I forgot to ask.”
And when Çré Siddhänta Sarasvaté came for the third time he was directly
refused. “I asked,” Bäbäjé Mahäräja said, “but I did not receive the command of
Mahäprabhu.”

Çré Siddhänta Sarasvaté was devastated. He stood up and uttered, karuëä
nä haile käìdiyä käìdiyä präëa nä räkhibo ära: “Without your mercy, weeping
and weeping, I will no longer sustain my life.” Çré Siddhänta Sarasvaté resolved
3
that however many times he might be refused, no further would he rotate in
the world without gaining Bäbäjé Mahäräja’s grace. Seeing this young aspirant’s
4
genuine desire and commitment, Bäbäjé Mahäräja relented. He told Çré Siddhänta
Sarasvaté to bathe in the nearby Sarasvaté (a tributary of the Gaìgä) and then
return, after which he accepted him as a disciple. This was in January 1900.
Çré Siddhänta Sarasvaté later reflected on this incident:

When out of false ego I was thinking “I am a great scholar of
mathematics and philosophy—let any big paëòita come at any
time, day or night, and I will cut his propositions to pieces,” at
that time I got the darçana of the lotus feet of Çré Gurudeva.
He ignored everything that was previously appreciated
in me—my truthfulness, my moral and pious life, and my
intellectualism—knowing them to be of little value. When I
saw that he ignored whatever was good in me, I realized how
good he himself must be, who could neglect so many “good
qualities” in me. What inconceivable wealth he possessed!
Being neglected by him, I understood that there was no one
more fallen and contemptible than myself; that was my actual
identity. The very things that I adjudged desiderata, such as
scholarship and upright character, this exalted soul regarded
as valueless. I apprehended that within himself this noble
personality possessed priceless treasure. I then pondered that
either he is extremely puffed-up, or is exceedingly merciful.
I then haughtily said to my gurudeva, “You are a worshiper
of that cheater and debauch Kåñëa, so why would you be
compassionate to someone like me, dedicated to ordinary
morality?”